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A Letter to my dwindling bank account

Dear Dwindling Bank Account,

Haven't I always been good to you. Building you up emotionally and literally whenever I was able? I know tuition has been hard for both of us, but I want our relationship to stay strong. I feel like I am working and giving all I can and I want you to be there for me when I need you. Didn't we vow for richer or poorer? Well, I am definitely poorer and I want to know you are standing strong and take interest in us. Let me know when you are ready to transfer funds from hostility to humility. I know you will come around. I'm banking on it!

Dear Neglegent Informer,

I insert the world neglegent into your title because of the events of yesterday. I have been updated by various avenues of the lack of touching in the far east by my Chinese students who felt unconfortable hugging me after a year of English lessons with them, and I knew of the incredible frienldliness of Western Europeans especially the Italians. But of those countries and people in between, I was ignorant. The disappointing aspect of this story to me was that you did not correct my ignorance. So yesterday when I first met my Hungarian tour guide, Andras, and I extended my hand while he leaned in to kiss, we had a strange tribal dance as he extended and retracted hands, whilst I leaned this way and that attempting to connect with my host and correct my misstep. He was a gentleman about it all, and did not even snicker at our eventful meeting and with both hands shook and both cheeks kissed, we continued on our way. We experienced a glorious day seeing the sights of Budapest both up close and far away, modern and ancient. And when the day had concluded and we stood to say good bye, I leaned in to kiss my new friend, having learned the hard way the traditional Hungarian greeting. I would appreciate if you were more attentive to your work in the future so that such a gross oversight is not witnessed again.

An Embarrased, but Kissable Traveller
Dear London Underground,

I appreciated your prompt service yesterday, transporting Tracy and me all over London and allowing us to see quaint British sights. However, I do not understand your insistance on only allowing 10 seconds to exit the tube. Traveling from Heathrow to Hyde Park was harrowing enough, let alone with 45 Kg luggage and 2 hours of sleep. Why did you close the doors and not allow Tracy to exit with me, thoroughly minding the gap, standing on the platform, watching her train speed away with her face pressed up against the glass, attempting to give me a reassuring glance that she would soon return. So I sat, with an appendange over each of my parcels and waited to be robbed or rescued, whichever came first. Luckily, Tracy returned a mere 2 moments (4 American minutes) later and we continued the 4 hour journey to our hotel. My only other quibble is that there are too many stairs in your facility! I am thoroughly bushed after carrying my 45 Kg luggage up and down at least 78 stairs per station- where were all the lifts?. After dumping my luggage, however, I was thrilled to see the Britisn Library, Notting Hill, and Hyde Park. You were brilliant during those segments of our journey though I do not look forward to hauling our belongings back to the airport tomorrow!

A Letter to My Pituitary Gland

Dear Glandular organ,

I appreciate all the useful hormones you produce which help me to grow, remain alert, and run away from ravenous bears if needed. However, currently it is 1 am and I need to wake up for work in four hours. I have been lying in bed for over two hours waiting to drift effortlessly into dreamland. However, I believe the levels of Serotonin and Melotonin were accidentally reversed. An easy mistake, but one which could produce immeasurable difficulties during my day at the hospital tomorrow. I would appreciate it if you would correct this matter so that I can stop typing and go to sleep! I look forward to your attention to such details in the future.

A Benadryl Swallower

P.S. Great job in the past few days Epiglottis!

A Letter to my Epiglottis

Dear Epiglottis,

I know that you are a valuable, though oft forgotten portion of my larynx. I regularly overlook your importance and take for granted your precious airway obstruction, but that does not give you the right to rebel against me. I was innocently sipping water while watching a movie with my new roommates and you chose that moment to storm the bastille of my swallow reflex. Not only did I choke with fright as water penetrated my lungs, but the force of my cough sent the wayward water shooting out of my nose. Embarrassment does not even cover the emotions I felt at that point. I would appreciate it if you controlled yourself and behaved better when company is around in the future.

Sally Sad Swallow

A Letter to Congressman Feeney

Honorable Congressman Feeney,

Thank you for your valiant efforts on behalf of your constituents. I appealed to you in a state of exasperation as I had not yet received my passport and would be leaving on my trip in less than three weeks. Though my email appeared frantic you were able to calmly process my request (after three phone calls and a privacy release form) and I thank you for your composure. I received my precious passport in the mail yesterday and exclaimed with overflowing joy praising your efforts on my behalf. Though I might have mentioned that if you got my passport to me on time I would vote for you, I hope you did not construe that as any sort of bribery, but rather the highest form of diplomatic integrity. Even though you share your name with the teacher from Boy Meets World, and even though I am required to addresss you as honorable, and even though I actually talked to a lowly member of your staff and not yourself, I am ready to exclaim jubilantly please vote for the congressman Tom Feeney for he allows me to say : WATCH OUT WORLD HERE I COME (literally)!

Kind Regards from your voting supporter,

A Passport Owner

Hey there

Hey there, I'm Kelly. I'm totally awesome and I'm going to Europe in less than a month. Rock on!